Kaleidoscope
by daiyaonna
Summary: I promise to fill you up with pretty things. Cross my heart. Hope to die. Flowers flutter. From the sky. Ryuichi's diary speaks to him, and he can't stop from answering...
1. From The Beginning

Disclaimer: I don't own. Sorry.

Warning: Not edited. O.o

Turn One: From the Beginning  
  
_Dear Diary..._  
  
Ryuichi stared at the words for a moment, teeth chewing on lip in thought, and then, he scribbled them out with the lustrous pink crayon poised between his slender fingers, wanting something more original to proclaim his personality.  
  
He didn't want to be boring; boring was old, and Ryuichi wasn't either.  
  
_Hi! I'm super singer extraordinare, Ryu-chan, and my job is to fill you up with pretty things! I should ask, first, though. That's what Tohma and Noriko and K and Shuichi tell me. Being bad is naughty, and Ryuichi doesn't like to be naughty.  
  
Ryuichi felt his hand slip, fluffy rabbit ears covering his vision momentarily, and the crayon slid across the clean, empty paper, decorating it with waxy flavor.  
  
Kumagoru says 'hi', too! Kuma-chan is my friend. Do you have friends? Are they out there with other paper-friends, getting colorful?  
  
I like colors. Colors are fun.  
  
What's your favorite color? I like blue and green and purple and gold and pink...they're shiny. Black and white are icky because they're not shiny like any of the others, and I think they're stupid. Kumagoro tells me that it's not nice to say something is stupid. He's right. I shouldn't be mean. Kumagoro also tells me that I should introduce myself. I forget sometimes, but Kuma-chan is always there to help me remember.  
  
Where should I start? Kumagoro says from the beginning. It's always wise to listen to your friends. Wise and nice. Being nice is warm and fuzzy...like Kumagoro. I'd let him give you a hug, just to see, but Kumagoro hasn't decided if he likes you or not.  
  
Silly bunny.  
  
I'm Sakuma Ryuichi, and I like to sing and color. (You already know that, but Kuma-chan didn't see the first part. Now he's smacking me with his ear. It's soft. It's sad that he doesn't like you...yet.) I'm losing focus, again. Thanks for reminding me, Kuma-chan.  
  
I'm Sakuma Ryuichi, and I like to sing and color. I like to do other things, too. I like to dance, especially when the music is fast and fun. I could twirl and spin forever, fall down and not care if I got hurt though others might. Kuma-chan says he would care, and Kuma-chan doesn't lie.  
  
What else do I like?  
  
OH!  
  
I like chocolate and candy and all of those other yummies in the world.  
  
You don't know what a yummy is?  
  
Yummies are...  
  
Kumagoro says that yummies taste good. That they are sweet and sticky and need to be licked off because they leave messes.  
  
I think Kuma-chan is just being a pervert.  
  
(Itai, Kuma-chan! You don't have to hit me.)  
  
Kumagoro says that I'm being a pervert. Maybe I am. Dunno. Perverts are naughty, and I don't want to be naughty.  
  
Oh, oh!  
  
I like drawing, too. Noriko-chan says that they aren't pretty, that a kid could do better, but I like to do it anyway. It's fun, and I can make the white shiny. Kuma-chan draws sometimes, too. I'll have him make you a picture when he likes you, and then you'll have another friend.  
  
I have lots of friends. Friends can be yummies, too, but not the kind you eat. (No, Kuma-chan, I'm not being a pervert. Don't make me put you on the couch...) All of my friends are different, different shapes, different colors, different smells, but I like them all the same. Well, maybe.  
  
I'll make a list for you.  
  
1. Tohma:  
  
He's pretty nice when you get to know him, but he can be weird, too. I like his hat, though. He lets me wear it, sometimes. Tohma's really smart. Smarter than Kumagoro. (Don't laugh, Kumagoro! You know it's true!) He owns NG-Records, the big, shiny building I'm allowed to sing in (I dance there, too, but don't tell Tohma. SHH! It's a secret!), and he lets me visit whenever I want. That's why I like Tohma. He talks to me all the time, and he even brings Kumagoro presents. Kuma-chan says that he likes Tohma, too. I think everyone likes Tohma, but Kumagoro says that isn't true. No one can be liked by everybody.  
  
(What do you know, Kuma-chan?)  
  
2. Noriko:  
  
Nori-chan is even nicer than Tohma is! Plus, she plays the keyboard. Tohma used to play, too, but now he bosses everyone around. That's no fun, but Noriko is. Noriko has purple hair. I tried to have blue hair once, but the dye accidentally got on the carpet, and I got in trouble. Nori-chan made me feel better about it, though. She said my hair was pretty, and she even let me help with hers, sometimes. I don't see Nori- chan much, anymore, but she calls to say 'hi' all the time. She lives with her family (her husband is nice, too!) and has to take care of them, but she doesn't forget me or Kumagoro. Kuma-chan likes to run away and sit on Nori-chan's lap when she visits, but she doesn't mind. Noriko likes Kumagoro just as much as she likes everyone else.  
  
3. K:  
  
K is a lot of fun. He has guns, and they're not the fake, plastic ones that you can buy at the store with those red arrow things that stick to the window. I tried to play with one once, Kuma-chan was the robber and I was the policeman, but I got it taken away after I broke both Noriko and Tohma's keyboards. It wasn't my fault Kumagoro was hiding there...honestly. Anyway, K has LONG blonde hair (Kuma-chan likes to hide in it sometimes), and he's American. I like speaking English with him. He knows lots of naughty words. K used to be my manager, but Tohma asked him to manage someone else that needed him more than me. I understand. K always makes time for me though. He even let's me sing with his band, sometimes. You would like K. He's very sneaky.  
  
4. Shuichi:  
  
Shuichi is the most colorful person I know besides Kumagoro. He has pink hair and violet eyes and dark skin. He's a rainbow. Shuichi is a good singer, too. He sings for a band called Bad Luck. It's fun to be around him, and Kuma-chan likes to be with Shuichi, too. Kumagoro says that Shuichi reminds him of an angel since he floats, but I think he's a fairy because he shines and sparkles. (Floats? Kuma-chan, Shuichi doesn't float. Silly bunny...) K is Shuichi's manager now, and that's cool since I can see both of them at the same time. Shuichi lets me sing with him, and we make lots of pretty music together. I like Shuichi a lot. He knows how to make me feel better when I'm sad, and Kumagoro likes to sit on his head.  
  
There.  
  
You've already met Kumagoro, and he's one of my bestest friends (I don't care if that's not a word, Kuma-chan).  
  
I have more friends than that, so many that I lose count sometimes, but Tohma and Noriko and K and Shuichi are my favorite. They are yummy because they are lots of fun, and they don't care that I forget to act my age, either. You want to know how old I am? Kumagoro says that it's rude to ask that question when you don't know me, but he's just being silly. What does he know?  
  
I'm...I think I'm 31.  
  
That's what Tohma says, and I believe him because he's smart and knows WAY more than Kumagoro although Kumagoro knows lots of interesting things. He can sit on his head for hours and not even have a headache when he falls over like I do if I copy him. Lucky Kumagoro.  
  
But enough of Kuma-chan. He can write in you later...if you want him to. My doctor says that I have to fill you up so I can remember stuff.  
  
Do you know what a doctor is? I don't know the terms Tohma and Noriko and Kumagoro use, but my doctor is fun. Her office is VERY shiny, and she even likes pink. That makes her okay in my okay-book. You don't know what an okay-book is? I'll tell you about that later. They're fun, too.  
  
Anyway, my doctor is really nice. She gives me lots of yummies when I come to visit, and she talks to me about things Kuma-chan and I like to talk about. Sometimes, though, it isn't fun. She tries to make me leave Kumagoro with the nice secretary-lady so we can have a "one-on-one" talk. I don't like to go anywhere without Kumagoro so I tell her he's sick, that I have to take care of him. I don't think she believes me. Kuma-chan says that she doesn't, and I agree. I don't care, though.  
  
I wouldn't give up Kumagoro for anything.  
  
I hope you and Kuma-chan became the bestest of friends, too. Then, we could have lots of fun and yummies together. If you get dirty, you can take a bath with me and Kumagoro. Bubbles are silky and tickle your nose when you count to ten under the water, and they're skishy.  
  
Skishy. Skishy. Kuma-chan doesn't like how I make up words, but I have lots of them, and I know he doesn't really care. Kumagoro makes up words, too. Na No Da is his favorite.  
  
Na No Da. That's fun to write.  
  
Kumagoro is telling me that I really haven't put anything important in you, but what does Kumagoro know? My friends are important to me. So are yummies, though they aren't as special as my friends. Drawing is important. So is singing.  
  
See, Kumagoro. I wrote about important things...  
  
Oh.  
  
Kumagoro means something other than my friends and yummies and drawing and singing.  
  
Is writing okay?  
  
Kumagoro says that it isn't, but I want to talk about it anyway. I like to make up songs and write them down. I sing them sometimes, too, but you already know how much I like to sing. Writing's fun because I can make up whatever I want, and no one cares. Everyone likes the stuff I write. Even Tohma and Kumagoro say it's good. That makes me want to write more. I can write one for you. I think it will be fun.  
  
Did you know that Shuichi's boyfriend writes, too? Oh, yeah. Shuichi has a boyfriend. Does it bother you that they're both guys? I don't care, and Kumagoro doesn't care, either. We're happy for Shuichi. His boyfriend makes him sing fun songs, but sometimes, it's not fun. Said boyfriend can be a BIG jerk. Even worse than when Tohma gets mad. Maybe he doesn't like his blonde hair. That would make anyone upset. Like the time I dyed mine orange. I looked like a carrot. Not fun. Shuichi's boyfriend isn't fun either. He smells like smoke and beer. Icky. I think Shuichi smells nicer. Strawberries and cream. Kuma-chan and Ryuichi LOVE strawberries. I think you would like them, too. Kumagoro will have to remind me to buy some next time we go out. Or, maybe Shuichi can come visit, and he can write something pretty in you. That would be super fun!  
  
What else?  
  
Should I start from the beginning now? Kumagoro says I'll put you to sleep. Maybe. I'm not all that exciting. Kuma-chan is funner. (Yeah, yeah, I know that's not a word, either, Kumagoro.) Hmm...  
  
I was born on a sunny day. At least, I think I was. I don't know. My parents would know, but I don't see them anymore. I think they hate me. Do you miss your parents? Are they with your paper-friends, waiting for you to come home? Mine probably don't know what I look like anymore. Oh, well. Kumagoro and Tohma and Noriko and K and Shuichi are my family now. They make me happy. I'll try not to make you sad. That would be BAD.  
  
Birthdays are fun! Lots of people think it's special to be born on a holiday, but I don't like my holiday. April Fool's Day. Kuma-chan likes my birthday, though. He says I can be extra sneaky because I was born then. I don't like being sneaky. Besides, K is much better at it than me.  
  
Have you ever had birthday cake? I like chocolate. It's another yummy I'm allowed to have, but only on certain days. I wish my birthday was every day, but Kumagoro says that selfish. He says that a year has lots of days so that everyone can have at least one to themselves.  
  
I have to share mine with everyone.  
  
It's not fair. I know, Kumagoro, life isn't fair. I'd change it if I could. Special Ryuichi World. It would be a fun place full of shinies and yummies and skishy things. No one would be sad. Kumagoro told me that his home is like that. You didn't know? Kuma-chan wasn't always my friend. I didn't even know him, but I'm glad he came to save me. You want to hear the story? Kumagoro says to tell you another time because we have to leave soon to sing in the shiny building. More fun! Shuichi will be there. Maybe we can make up a song and sing it! I'll bring you, too, and then you can meet him. I know he'll like you.  
  
I have to put you away, now. Don't be sad. You won't be lonely for very long, and Kumagoro can keep you company; I think he's starting to like you. I promise to fill you up with more pretty things later.  
  
Cross my heart.  
  
Hope to die.  
  
Stick a needle...ouch! I don't like needles. Whoever made that rhyme probably never had a shot.  
  
Oh, I know.  
  
I promise to fill you up with pretty things. Cross my heart. Hope to die. Flowers flutter. From the sky.  
  
That's sounds nicer and prettier and shinier.  
  
I forgot...I like shiny things, too.  
_  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
"SHUICHI!" A body flung itself from the dark, wrapping around the petite singer sitting quietly in a fold-up chair, and they fell to the ground, heads smacking together.  
  
"S-Sakuma-san?" Shuichi pushed at the other singer, rubbing the back of his skull. "When did you get here?" Ryuichi grinned, Kumagoro lying haphazardly between them from the fall.  
  
"I just came, Na No Da! Kumagoro drove me in his car. Vroom." Ryuichi mimiced driving, every sound a vehicle should and should not make spillling from his mouth. "Next time, Kumagoro will drive Shuichi, too, Na No Da!" Shuichi stood, running skinny finger through mussy locks of pink, making parts of it stick out like he'd been electrocuted, and he smiled weakly, almost tired.  
  
"That would be fun." Sounds filled the room, K's deep voice setting off Ryuichi's radar, and the older vocalist turned, staring at Shuichi when he squeaked. He appeared worn out, different somehow, and his eyes were dull, ringed with lack of sleep.  
  
"Shuichi-" Ryuichi was cut off.  
  
"Am I seeing things? Are you actually on time today, Shuichi?"  
  
"Very funny, Hiro," the other pouted, arms crossing to further enhance the act. "I-" The redhead poked at his friend, a curious expression on his face.  
  
"Is everything alright? You seem-" A mischievous glint swam in his eyes, and Ryuichi got up from the floor, bouncing over to see what the guitarist was talking about.  
  
He didn't see anything.  
  
"I'm-"  
  
"You had a little too much fun last night, didn't you?" Hiro suggested, elbowing Shuichi in the side, and Ryuichi thought it was cute to watch the other's face match the color of his hair.  
  
"No, I-"  
  
"Don't lie, Shuichi."  
  
"I-I'm not." There was a silence, and suddenly, Shuichi began to cry, tears falling freely from his empty eyes as he sobbed, collapsing into a heap on the ground. Ryuichi had seen Shuichi cry plenty of times, it wasn't normal if he didn't do it at least once a day, but Hiro's body language told him that it was serious. The redhead was kneeling next to the singer, fingers tilting his chin up.  
  
"What's wrong?" A string of words mingled with the harsh sobs, and all Ryuichi could understand was 'kicked out.'  
  
"I'll shoot him!" K announced, cocking back the hammer on his gun before firing it at the ceiling. Kumagoro clapped his hands from his seat on Ryuichi's arm. Shuichi shrieked and moaned.  
  
"No. Don't," he begged, still crying. "H-he didn't do it. It was my fault."  
  
"Shuichi..."  
  
"Please, don't. Hiro..." Shuichi sniffled. "I didn't mean to. I swear I didn't."  
  
"What are you talking about?" The guitarist's eyebrows arched, questioning, but the other merely shook his head, hiding his face in his arms.  
  
"Fine. Be that way." Hiro stood, promptly exiting the room in a huff, an overzealous K following him, rambling off something in English that told Ryuichi some poor soul was about to get assassinated, and the elder singer flopped onto the cold tiles next to Shuichi, Kumagoro finding his way on top of the other's head.  
  
"Kumagoro says not to cry, Na No Da. He'll give you a kiss if you stop," Ryuichi chirped, thinking to help, but Shuichi shrugged his hand off his shoulder, his crying increased.  
  
"Tell Kumagoro that I don't want any kisses. I...I don't want anything," he cried, shaking harder, and Ryuichi dug into his pants pocket, searching for the candy he'd stashed there. He pulled pieces of lint out and sighed in defeat. Kumagoro must have eaten it.  
  
"Don't be sad, Shuichi." He thought for a moment. "Oh, I know." Ryuichi pulled the pink, fuzzy diary from its hiding place in the pocket of his jeans, and he gently smacked Shuichi with it. "Here. Fill it with some of your pretty things, Na No Da!" Violet eyes blinked up at him, tears glistening at the edges.  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"My new friend! Ryuichi and Kumagoro write in it...Shuichi should write in it, too."  
  
"What-" Shuichi wiped at the liquid streaking his face, trying to understand. "What do you write in it?"  
  
"Lots of things, Na No Da. Gimme!" He snatched it from Kumagoro, he was always trying to take things, and opened it up. The pink crayon he'd used earlier rolled out, smacking the ground and breaking in half. "Look what you did, Kuma-chan! That was my favorite one, Na No Da!" He mock scowled at his unmoving bunny before grinning at Shuichi. "Hi! I'm super singer extraordinare, Ryu-chan, and my job is to fill you up with pretty things," he read, prompting Shuichi to continue with the point of his finger.  
  
"I should ask first, though...I...Sakuma-san...I shouldn't be reading this." The pink haired singer shoved it away.  
  
"Why not, Na No Da? I want you to fill it up with lots of pretty things, too! Shuichi always has lots of pretty things to write!" Shuichi pulled his legs up, wrapping his arms around them.  
  
"It's yours. I can't."  
  
"Don't make me have Kumagoro punish you, Na No Da!" Ryuichi glanced at the plush rabbit. "What's that, Kuma-chan? You want to punish Shuichi?"  
  
"Sakuma-san-"  
  
"Okay." Ryuichi grabbed Kumagoro by the ears, raising him up and slamming him down on Shuichi's head in one fluid motion, and Shuichi cringed, cradling his aching skull.  
  
"Itai!"  
  
"Keep my new friend safe, Shuichi, Na No Da!" Ryuichi ordered, jumping up onto his feet, Kumagoro dangling from his fingers. Shuichi stared at the diary balanced on his knees, wondering.  
  
"Sakuma-san, I-"  
  
"We'll see you in a little while, Na No Da!!" And, Ryuichi leapt out the door, leaving the pink-haired singer alone with his "new friend."  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
"Ryuichi-san, where are you going?" Tohma's voice was quiet and solemn in the dimly lit corridor of NG-Records, and the singer spun around, smiling generously at the blonde standing next to a door.  
  
"Ryuichi and Kumagoro forgot something, Na No Da." Tohma nodded.  
  
"I'll wait for you. Don't be too long."  
  
"We won't." Ryuichi glanced down at the rabbit stuffed unceremonially into his pocket. "Come on, Kuma-chan. We can't leave our new friend all alone!" Shuichi had returned the diary to him when they'd eaten lunch together, his face no longer stained with tears despite the fact he still looked tired, and Ryuichi had accidentally left it in Tohma's office when he'd gone to visit him, the pale pink hue of the journal brightening its dark interior. He reached the office in record time, the wooden door creaking open as he walked in, searching for it with his eyes, and he recovered the colorful pages in an excited hug, oddly missing the thing that had already began to fill in the holes of his famous but lonely life. "Kumagoro and I are sorry for leaving you here by yourself," he apologized, wriggling the bunny from its safe place. "Did you have fun?"  
  
Ryuichi stepped out into the hallway, habitually closing the door behind him as he went, and he flipped through it, giggling at the pink crayon scribbled over it.  
  
Kumagoro had made a mess in it.  
  
He stared at the last line, wondering if he could make a song out of it.  
  
_ I forgot...I like shiny things, too.  
_  
Something caught his attention then, something that hadn't been there before, and in neat, carefull orginized kanji he read:  
  
_I like shiny things, too. Do you want to be my friend?  
_  
Ryuichi continued to stare at it, puzzled. He hadn't written that. Kumagoro hadn't written in it, either. The bunny stared up at him, silent and unaware of the ghosts that now haunted them both.  
  
TBC- 


	2. Lost And Lost Some More

KALEIDOSCOPE  
  
Turn Two: Lost and Lost Some More  
  
Shuichi had written it.  
  
That was the first thought in Ryuichi's head. In fact, that was the only thought in Ryuichi's head. He couldn't speak or move. His body refused to work, and his tongue was stuck to the roof of his mouth. Kumagoru slowly slipped from the safe place in the singer's pocket, spilling its rabbit pinkness onto the bland carpet of Tohma's office, but Ryuichi didn't even notice that his stuffed companion had left his side. His ragged, moss-green seemed to droop in the melting light of the room, the sun was already beginning to set, and those slender fingers clutching the twisted spine and slightly bent pages trembled convulsively.  
  
_ I like shiny things, too._  
  
Shuichi had written it.  
  
_Will you be my friend?  
_  
Shuichi had written it.  
  
Shuichi had written it.  
  
Hadn't he?  
  
Ryuichi slid his nose along the kanji-decorated paper, lips pressed gingerly to it. He inhaled, a faint edible smell filling his lungs and flooding him with relief. Shuichi was all over the notebook. He licked at the whiteness, and he smiled. There was just a hint of Tohma, too. Shuichi was strawberry, fluffy and creamy like the stuff he and Kumagoru shared in the morning at breakfast. Tohma was spicy vanilla from one of those little bottles that shimmered green when he played with it. He eyed the words again, just to be certain.  
  
_ I like shiny things, too. Will you be my friend?_  
  
Shuich must have written it.  
  
Or Tohma.  
  
Ryuichi nodded happily, having convinced himself, and he tucked the already rugged diary-slash-journal under his arm before spinning around to leave. His sneaker squished Kumagoru, nearly mutilating those lovable rabbit features, and Ryuichi didn't hesitate to grab the lonely bunny by the ear, dragging him up into his embrace only to be stuffed back into the pocket he had fallen from. The singer was currently distracted by the curious thoughts floating in his head, and Tohma was waiting to take him home, too.  
  
"Vroom, vroom, Kumagoru! Let's go, Na No Da!"  
  
Ryuichi was unaware of the invisible tears of sadness slipping from beady black eyes.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
NG's foyer was amazingly quiet by the time Tohma and Ryuichi had ventured there, and the blonde waited patiently for the other to finish "accidentally" sliding across the well-waxed linoleum before heading to the exit. It was difficult not to smile and be stern when Ryuichi did something that childish, and Tohma shook his head, hands resting carefully in his pockets until the singer had expended most of his energy. Ryuichi latched on to him.  
  
"TOHMA, Na No Da!" A grin was plastered to his face. "Home! Home, Na No Da. Are we going? Are we?" He nodded, and the vocalist ran excitedly to the push-and-pull door, shoving his way through to the outside. The sun was barely visible due to the clouds hiding its sinking face, but the singer enjoyed the cool breeze caressing his skin, his body itching to move despite Tohma's slow descent from on-high. Voices alerted him to someone else's presence other than his blonde-haired friend, but Ryuichi was too absorbed by the petite butterfly fluttering past him to notice the sobs or pink filling the air. He watched it curiously for a moment, intrigued by its lack of color and rather sudden appearance, but the hand on his shoulder returned him to the other reality, the one he hadn't created. Ryuichi immediately spotted Shuichi, who was kicking at the concrete with his tennis shoe, face red and stained with tears, and he errupted into a rambling, completely ignoring Tohma. "SHUICHI!" The older singer lept at him but was surprisingly avoided when Shuichi stepped to the side.  
  
"Hello," he muttered, obviously unhappy. Ryuichi recovered from the plunge into a nearby bush with ease and tried latching onto the other's leg.  
  
"Kumagoru and Ryuichi LOVE Shuichi," he belted out, slapping at the slender hands attempting to push him away. "Sing, Na No Da?"  
  
"Now isn't the time." Tohma smiled. "Ryuichi-san."  
  
"Ohh!" Ryuichi sprang to his feet, forcing Shuichi to stare at him. A blush awkwardly spread across the younger man's face. "Shuichi's been crying. What's wrong, Na No Da?" He wrapped his arms around his body and shivered. "Sick? Headache? Does your stomach hurt, Shuichi, Na No Da?" Ryuichi moved to poke him, but Shuichi took a step back.  
  
"N-no...I..." The pink-haired singer glanced nervously at Tohma, who was still smiling like he knew something no one else knew. As a matter of fact, he probably did. "Are you sure it's okay? I mean..." He sputtered, unsure of himself.  
  
"Relax," Tohma commanded, uncharacteristic of his usual stoic, uncaring demeanor. "Everything is under control."  
  
"But he-" Tohma eyed him sternly.  
  
"I'll take care of everything."  
  
"I..." Shuichi lowered his head in defeat. "Alright." After a moment, he muttered a weak thank you, avoiding the other's piercing gaze, and Ryuichi, as always, remained oblivious to the seemingly coded conversation. He tightened his hold on Shuichi by twining his arms around his shoulders, practically hanging on him like he was a human blanket. Shuichi staggered, already inept at supporting his own weight most of the time, and he barely managed to keep from falling. Tohma's sharp command verbally slapped the elder singer in the face.  
  
Ryuichi knew he was being bad when Tohma lost his temper.  
  
"Sorry, Na No Da."  
  
"No, it's okay. I...you're just a little too heavy for me to carry." Ryuichi clapped his hands, pulling Kumagoru from his pants.  
  
"Kumagoru says you're funny, Shuichi. Kumagoru also says that Ryuichi isn't that heavy, Na No Da." He stuck the rabbit in Shuichi's face. "See?"  
  
"I...yeah..." Ryuichi immediately lost himself in a conversation with Kumagoru about whether or not Shuichi was actually funny, and Tohma gently touched the other singer by the forearm, adverting his attention.  
  
"Are you going to be alright?" Shuichi blinked. Was Tohma actually concerned? About him?  
  
"I...yes. Just...are you sure? I don't know. I didn't-"  
  
"You worry too much, Shindou-san," Tohma interjected, once again smiling with that 'I-know-everything' smile. "Do you have somewhere to stay? I promise to speak with him as soon as I am able."  
  
"Hiro-"  
  
"Stay?" Ryuichi glanced up from Kumagoro. "Shuichi needs a house? What happened to your old one, Na No Da? I liked it." Shuichi tried to laught, but all he could manage was a half-smile.  
  
"Nothing happened to it, Sakuma-san. I just...I can't stay there right now."  
  
"Oh." There was quiet, and suddenly, the metaphorical light bulb busted Ryuichi in the head. "Kumagoru says there's room at our house, Na No Da. Wanna come?" Shuichi glanced between him and Tohma, doubletaking at the blonde's arched eyebrow.  
  
Tohma was certainly acting peculiar.  
  
"I don't think...Hiro said...I..." Shuichi looked at Tohma, and he could have sworn he'd shrugged his shoulders.  
  
"Fun!" Ryuichi slammed Kumagoru into Shuichi's head. "Fun, Shuichi, Na No Da!" He clutched his ear, wincing where the rabbit's hardened eyes had caught him.  
  
"Well...I suppose I could...I mean...as long as I called Hiro and...is it alright?" He directed his question towards Tohma, and the blonde shook his head.  
  
"I don't make decisions for him." Shuichi peered at Ryuichi, noticing the pleading look in his eyes as they glimmered innocently at him, and the pink-haired singer gave in, nodding his head, though somewhat reluctant to be pulled along as Ryuichi dragged him towards the parking lot belonging to NG.  
  
Perhaps the day wasn't so bad after all despite what had happened.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
_Hi!  
  
It's me again!  
  
I read your message. Kumagoru said that it was Shuichi, but I asked him. He said no. Okay, okay. Kumagoru says he didn't say anything. I suppose he's right.  
  
Shuichi's been sad. He was crying today when we went to sing. Kumagoru tried to make him feel better, but he didn't like it.  
  
Shut up, Kumagoru! You know he didn't...  
_  
_I had to put Kumagoru under the couch. Oh, yeah. We're watching a movie. Me and Shuichi. He's staying because his old house is bad. I wonder if he made a mess in it. Maybe. Shuichi had been very quiet since Tohma brought us.  
  
SHH!  
  
I know. It's not nice to make fun. Especially if it's Shuichi. Shuichi is fun. Not the make fun of kind of fun, though. Shuichi is smart. He likes to dance and make music with me and Kumagoru.  
_  
_Shuichi is all the fun in the world. Which is alot because Kumagoru and I know bunches. There are probably too many to count. I wouldn't have enough fingers to keep them on.  
  
Kumagoru is yelling at me. He says I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm glad Shuichi isn't listening. He might cry again. That would be bad. I don't like it when Shuichi cries. I don't like it when anyone cries. It makes me feel sad.  
  
Do you feel sad? Have you cried because you still miss your paper- friends? I'm sorry. Kumagoru says that we will do a good job of making you happy. Fill you up with lots of pretty stuff.  
  
It's not so bad. We'll have fun. Shuichi's here. He'll have fun with us, too, because Shuichi needs fun. He-  
_  
"I think...I'm going to go to bed now, Sakuma-san," Shuichi abruptly whispered, halting Ryuichi's in-the-dark writing, the glow of the TV his only light. He glanced up.  
  
"But..." He pouted. "That's no fun, Shuichi, Na No Da." Ryuichi stuck his hand between the cushions and pulled up the lint-covered Kumagoru. "Kuma-chan says that Shuichi needs to stay up more!" Shuichi smiled.  
  
"I wish I could, but K-san expects everyone at the studio early, tomorrow, and I'm...kind of tired."  
  
"Oh." Ryuichi contemplated, almost chewing on the pen he was writing with until Kumagoru reminded him not to. Sometimes, Ryuichi was very forgetful. The pink-haired youth smiled at him and stood, arms reaching for the ceiling in a stretch, and Ryiuchi watched, eyes slightly narrowed. Shuichi hadn't had any clothes with him when he'd gotten there, and Ryuichi had happily supplied him with many of his favorite, though he'd only needed one, unaware of the effects it would have on him. He'd never really been attracted to anyone he actually respected as a friend, but with Shuichi standing there, slim stomach exposed due to the skimpy blue top and low- slung shorts slowly slipping over his hipbones, Ryuichi suddenly felt...something. He wasn't sure how to describe it, but he knew, to the very depths of his ancient soul, that it was wrong. "Kumagoru and Ryuichi will sleep then, too!" He got up, collecting the ragged notebook and his stuffed rabbit in one hand while grabbing Shuichi's wrist with the other. "Come on...this way, Na No Da!"  
  
Ryuichi swurved down the hallway, socked feet half-sliding on the wooden floor.  
  
Ryuichi's house was actually an apartment. A very big, expensive, complete with everything he'd ever wanted apartment. The walls were decorated with framed photos, mostly of Nittle Grapser and people he personally didn't know, and random scribbles of crayon on certain corners.  
  
Shuichi grabbed his head, moaning at the sudden rush of swirling shapes flying past him. He couldn't figure out why he'd agreed to any of this. He didn't think he could handle much more.  
  
Ryuichi suddenly stopped, and Shuichi smacked into him.  
  
"Sakuma-san..." He was holding his nose, but Ryuichi was too occupied with opening the door and juggling the stuff in his arms to pay any attention.  
  
"This is Kumagoru's room." Ryuichi kicked the door open after he turned the knob. "But...he said he can share."  
  
"T-thank you." Ryuichi leapt into the room, throwing the things he carried into a chair facing one of the many windows, except Kumagoru. He held the bunny out to Shuichi.  
  
"You can borrow him, Na No Da. Kumagoru keeps all the bad things away." Shuichi reluctantly took it.  
  
"But what about you?" Ryuichi laughed.  
  
"Silly Shuichi. I'll be fine, Na No Da." Ryuichi skipped back to the door, smiling. "Sleepy sleep, Shuichi!" And, he shut Shuichi in the room, holding Kumagoru and standing mournfully in the dark.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
"No...please...d-don't hang up. I-" There was a sob. "Say something! I know you're listening." More crying. "I'm sorry. How many times do I...No! Seguchi-san said he would talk...I didn't. Why won't you listen to me?" Some shifting on the bed. "I want to come home. Please...no...don't...I'm begging-" A scream of frustration. "Stop. Stop it! Why do you have to be...I didn't do anything. Tell me why!" Something hitting something else. "I love you...don't...sonofa-"  
  
The crying continued, and Ryuichi slunk away from the door, forgetting that he'd wanted to get his diary so that he could finish writing in it.  
  
He shouldn't have left it in there.  
  
Almost angrily, he fled into his bedroom, fingers grabbing the marker placed carefully on his dresser before he crouched next to the wall, hands already scribbling upon it.  
  
Just what, exactly, was going on?  
  
TBC- 


	3. The Price of Beauty

KALEIDOSCOPE  
  
Turn Three: The Price of Beauty  
  
_Sribbling madness _

_Scratching at your face_  
  
Shuichi's eyes were wide, and his slender hand shook uncontrollably on the door knob of the room as he stared at the words written possessively upon the walls. They were horizontal and vertical. They were diagonal and semi-slanted, half-parallel to the wooden floor. Some of them were written backwards, in English, but the singer couldn't stop himself from reading them.  
  
_Sweet sanity _

_Disappear without a trace _

_Surrendering blood _

_Welling fast pace _

_Bitter resurrection _

_Sour tongue of taste  
  
It makes sense to be mad _

_I__t's madness that makes sense  
_  
His mouth fell open in disbelief, nothing but a microscopic squeak emitting from it. The strange, morbidly gruesome words only completed the scene before him. Ryuichi was sprawled out on his back, his body lax and unmoving, and Shuichi stepped through the door, trying to ignore the elder singer's state of undress. His shirt lay crumpled in a corner, evidentally thrown there during his...musing? Creative outlet? He didn't know what to call it, but it was obviously disturbing and not meant to be seen by anyone else. Shuichi had the momentary thought that Ryuichi might have been so lost that he'd slit his wrists, since his arms were folded out of view, but blood wasn't puddling, and he was breathing. Slowly yet surely, he was breathing.  
  
"Sakuma-san?" He quietly crept toward him, the floorboards creaking beneath his bare feet. Ryuichi didn't stir, and Shuichi knelt beside him, fingers briefly touching his face. He didn't know what to do -for all he knew, the other could have been in some sort of comatic stupor- and he bit his lip, chewing on it thoughtfully. "Sakuma-san?" Shuichi gently shook him. "S-Sakuma-san?"  
  
A thought, though not necessarily bright, suddenly came to him, and Shuichi reached forward, covering Ryuichi's mouth with one hand and pinching his nose with the other.  
  
It was a childish action, but Shuichi had proof that it worked. Hiro used to do it to him all the time.  
  
Something moist abruptly swept over his palm, and he jerked back, blinking in obvious surprise. Ryuichi lay gazing at him, his eyes dark and blurry despite the sunshine pouring into the room through the door, and he stretched out, his amrs slithering from under his back as he reached out for Shuichi. He blushed crazily, his face the same color as his hair, and he slid away from the fingers trying to touch him, scared.  
  
Staying here had definitely been a bad idea.  
  
"Kuma," he moaned, his tongue sweeping across his bottom lip as he strained to sit up. "Kuma..." Shuichi squeaked, avoiding the man trying to grab him as he scrambled to his feet.  
  
"Sakuma-"  
  
"Stop being mean," the possessed Ryuichi hissed, lurching forward, as he was now on his knees. "Come here...Kuma..."  
  
"I-" Shuichi shook his head and shot off into the hallway, aware that Ryuichi, still half-naked from whatever he'd done last night, was attempting to chase him, and he found the bathroom, locking himself in. His entire body shook with fear. Even his brain rattled inside his skull because he couldn't keep from shaking or his heart from pounding. Frantically, he reached into the pockets of his borrowed shorts, praying that he'd left his cell phone in one of them. He grazed metal and sighed with relief until the bathroom door's hinges clattered.  
  
"Kuma," Ryuichi's anxious voice cried, hands slapping the furnished wood with animosity. "Let me in!"  
  
Shuichi hit the speed dial, scared beyond all possibility as it rang.  
  
'Be there. Be there.'  
  
There was a click.  
  
"Seguchi speaking."  
  
All the while, Ryuichi could be heard ranting from the outside, scratching and clawing with fervor. Shuichi did not unlock the door until he was told, by a calm, sympathetic blonde, that it was safe.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
_ I have been bad. I don't think anything else will describe it. I'm sorry. We've barely become friends, and I was bad. Bad. Bad, Ryuichi. Bad. Kumagoru says I should have told you. I guess I forgot.  
  
I'm not a good person.  
  
Don't be scared.  
  
I don't steal. Or take things back. I don't run over people. (K did that once. It was funny until said hit-ee decided to do it to K.)  
  
I'm just...not a good person. I've done bad things. I should be punished, but Tohma says no. Tohma says I only need help. That's what my doctor is for.  
  
I don't like her much, sometimes. She doesn't give me candy. Or presents. She doesn't even like Kumagoru. Kumagoru says he doesn't like her, either. So, that's good. I guess.  
  
It used to be fun visiting her. Every weekend. That's when Tohma would take me. Unless Nori-chan had come to visit. Then, she'd take me. Noriko's more fun than Tohma. It's not a secret. Everyone knows. That's what Kumagoru says, and Kumagoru is smart. I believe him. You should, too.  
  
Noriko drives fast. Vroom. We're there. It's a big, shiny building. It's not as shiny as NG (that's where we sing), but it's still pretty shiny. Sometimes, I go in disguise. Tohma says that being sneaky (like K) isn't good, but sometimes, you have to be sneaky (not like K). People, mostly fans, like to take advantage of us, he said. Of course, Tohma used bigger words, and Kumagoru had to explain it to me. I understand, now. People like to touch Ryuichi if they know it's Ryuichi. Ryuichi doesn't like that...most of the time.  
  
So, I wear a disguise. Sometimes sunglasses. Sometimes a hat. Sometimes...  
  
Sometimes, I pretend to be Kumagoru. Kumagoru thinks it's funny because people look at me weird. They're just jealous. I stick my tongue out at them and hop to the elevator.  
  
I don't know if you've ever ridden in one before, but they're fun! Especially if you push all the buttons. Usually, Tohma and Noriko don't let me. I do it anyway. If I don't get yelled at. Getting yelled at makes me sad. I guess it makes everyone sad. No one likes to get in trouble...  
  
Kumagoru says I'm wrong...again. Kumagoru says that some people like getting yelled at. That they like pain. Pain and yelling are two different things. Silly bunny. Don't you know anything?  
  
Rabbits are anything but serious.  
  
Ryuichi isn't serious, either.  
  
Well, sometimes...  
  
Sometimes, it hurts. Being serious is bad. I can't be serious. Bad stuff happens.  
  
I'm a bad person. Bad. Bad like not being forgiven bad. Bad like I hate you bad. Bad like...  
  
Shuichi hates me. Hates me forever and ever and ever. I shouldn't be his friend. I shouldn't have sang with him. I shouldn't have asked him to stay over and have fun. We didn't have fun. We didn't have anything.  
  
It happened again.  
  
But I don't remember.  
  
I woke up with Tohma. Alone. Alone together with Tohma. I tried to get up. Tohma said not to. He asked if I was okay. Why wouldn't I be? Everything was fine. Shuichi was in his room. I was...  
  
I wasn't in my house.  
  
I was...  
  
In the Scary Place.  
  
And...still here. Tohma stayed as long as he could, but Tohma is busy. Busy and weird. I'm by myself, now. Alone together with myself.  
  
My doctor-lady is going to visit soon, but for now, it's me and Kumagoru. Kumagoru is trying to eat ice cream. I don't want him to be messy. So, I'm eating it for him.  
  
Opps. Now you're all chocolaty. Sorry...  
  
At least you taste good.  
  
Would you like to hear a story? To pass the time? Until my doctor comes?  
  
OKAY!  
  
How's that saying?  
  
Oh, yeah.  
  
Once upon a time...  
  
There was a little Ryuichi and a big Kumagoru. Except, this Kumagoru wasn't a rabbit. No bunny ears. No fluffy tail or cute red bow. This Kumagoru was a person, too. Like the little Ryuichi. He could get sick. Go to school. Play in the dirt. Anything he wanted to do because he was big.  
  
The big Kumagoru had a name, but he liked to be called Kuma. Kuma was fun. He'd take care of little Ryuichi. Teach him how to do little kid things when Ryuichi's mom and dad couldn't. He always smiled. He would never let Ryuichi see him sad.  
  
Life was good.  
  
(Am I doing okay so far? Do you like Kuma?)  
  
Ryuichi, eventually, grew into not-so-little-Ryuichi. Kuma didn't seem to care. They still did the same things. Played the same games. There was never a dull moment when Kuma was around.  
  
Oh.  
  
I forgot.  
  
Kuma had pink hair, too. Like Shuichi. But Kuma isn't Shuichi. Kuma couldn't sing. He liked dancing, but Kuma did NOT sing. He said it hurt. Not-so-little Ryuichi would ask him to sing sometimes. Just to fill the empty with something. Kuma would say no. Or maybe another time. Kuma couldn't sing. No. Kuma could sing. Kuma just wouldn't sing. There's a difference.  
  
What Kuma didn't know was that Ryuichi could remember when Kuma sang. Strange little songs. Meaningless songs. Sad songs. Happy songs. Weird songs. Any kind of song.  
  
Ryuichi wrote down all the ones he could remember. When he tried to show Kuma, Kuma got mad and didn't talk to Ryuichi for a whole day. After that, Ryuichi kept them to his not-so-little self.  
  
Soon, Ryuichi grew more. He was almost a grown-up. He had other friends besides Kuma. Tohma. He was fun but weird. Noriko. She was the same as Tohma. When Ryuichi played with Tohma and Noriko, Kuma would only smile. He never said he didn't like them.  
  
Ryuichi was happy.  
  
And...Ryuichi will have to tell more later. The doctor-lady is here. She's glaring at Kumagoru. Now, she's smiling. She reminds me of Tohma. Kumagoru says so, too.  
  
I hope everything is going to be okay.  
  
The Scary Place seems smaller now.  
  
_ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Hiro dropped the helmet in his hand and pulled Shuichi into an over- friendly embrace, holding him tightly. He didn't seem to care that they were in a public place- a mall. The singer clung to him, grateful for the strength of his best friend, silent aside from the occasional whimper.  
  
"I'm glad you're safe," he muttered, running fingers through silky pink hair. "You're staying at my place."  
  
"Hiro-"  
  
"I knew I shouldn't have let you go when you called me."  
  
"Hiro-"  
  
"It's-" Shuichi jerked back and rubbed a hand over his face.  
  
"Stop! Just...stop it! I don't need a lecture," he yelled, startling a trio of girls with his sudden outburst as they walked by. "I...I wanted to go. I needed-"  
  
"Will you listen to yourself? You're just babbling nonsense." The singer seemed hurt by this statement. He pulled the visor of his baseball cap down and pushed up the sunglasses on his nose as Hiro retrieved the dropped helmet. "I've told you and told you, but you never listened. Sakuma Ryuichi can't be your friend."  
  
"W-why not?" Hiro sighed and tucked the helmet under his arm, grabbing Shuichi by the wrist with his free hand.  
  
"Come on," he commanded, ignoring his question.  
  
"Where are we going?" Hiro gave him a tender smile.  
  
"To rest."  
  
"B-but what about-"  
  
"Everything is going to be fine. Now, move it." Shuichi began to walk beside Hiro, not caring that they were still joined by hand and wrist, and he glanced shyly at him, trying to decipher what Nakano Hiroshi was. He was a thousand times beyond anything Shuichi had ever been, and he knew that he was unworthy to call Hiro his friend.  
  
"What would I do without you, Hiro?" Shuichi whispered quietly, swurving with the redhead through the crowd of people swarming around them. Hiro only smiled and pulled him along.  
  
As of that moment, he didn't know how to answer that.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
"You've sure gotten yourself into a mess, haven't you, Ryuichi?" Blue eyes glanced up from looking out the window, and a smile broke out onto a solemn face.  
  
"NORIKO!!" Ryuichi lunged at the petite female, laughing, and she did nothing to avoid it. Noriko giggled, banding her skinny arms around the body clinging to her, and she ran her long, daintly-painted nails through his hair. "Noriko, Na No Da!"  
  
"I'm glad to see you, too, Ryuichi." She glanced around. "Where's Kumagoru?"  
  
"Sleeping. The doctor made him sick, Na No Da." Noriko nodded, as if understanding, although she didn't, and she pried Ryuichi's hands from around her waist, patting them lovingly. Though they didn't see each other much, they still hadn't lost touch pver the years. She and Ryuichi were much closer than any combination possible with Tohma in the mix.  
  
"I hope he feels better," she commented, walking to a chair before sitting in it and crossing her legs. The semi-long floral dress did nothing to hide her slim figure, and Ryuichi noticed that her hair wasn't purple anymore. It was brown.  
  
"He'll be fine, Na No Da. Ryuichi is happy that Noriko-chan came to visit." Suddenly, the temperature in the room seemed to drop a couple of degrees. Ryuichi was practically squinting at her. "I've been very, very bad, Noriko."  
  
"Tohma told me."  
  
"Everything?"  
  
"Well, I-" Ryuichi stood, walking toward the opposite side of the room in the ridiculous gown always designated for patients, and he began to rumage through the table-slash-desk for something. Noriko thought he looked like a little waif-child, so skinny and desperate when he finally turned around to face her. In his hand he held a pink notebook, bent and obviously carried around by none other than Sakuma Ryuichi. He thrust it at her.  
  
"Read it."  
  
"Ryuichi..."  
  
"I won't allow Tohma, but you...I trust you, Noriko."  
  
"And, you don't trust Tohma?" Ryuichi sighed, seeming so much older than his thirty-one years as he looked at the "  
  
"It's only as complicated as you make it...Ryuichi." Noriko stood and moved to stand beside her friend of many years. She pushed the notebook against his chest. "Whatever you put in there is only for _your_ soul." She paused and touched his nose with her finger as she winked. "The one I know that's still in there."  
  
"It talks, Noriko. It's talked to me." She laughed.  
  
"As long as you aren't the one answering yourself, it'll be fine."  
  
"But-"  
  
"I must go now, but I promise to see you again before I leave." Ryuichi was immediately saddened.  
  
"I'm going to be here until you leave?"  
  
"I didn't say that, Ryuichi." Noriko kissed him tenderly on the lips and brushed back a lock of his hair. "Take care of yourself, sweetie, and don't forget poor Kumagoru." Ryuichi nodded, and Noriko smiled. "Chin up. You won't be in here that long."  
  
"Bye-bye, Noriko, Na No Da."  
  
"Goodbye, Ryu-kun."  
  
Noriko missed the miserable look on the singer's face as she left, and Ryuichi huddled into a corner, sobbing against his arms.  
  
"I'm bad...bad...Shuichi..."  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
"What?" Smoke was trailing to the ceiling, curling wispy fingers around everything in its path. "I told you to stop calling me." There was a grunt. "That's a lie. I know all of your tricks." Clicking of computer keys. "No. He's not coming back here. I don't need someone like...will you-" Pale white fingers slapped the top of the desk. "Enough. I don't want to play your games. I know what I saw. I'm not blind." There was a sharp laugh. "A mistake? Fuck you and your mistakes! I won't stop. Quit calling me, and leave me alone. I want nothing to do with any of this anymore." The phone slammed closed, ultimately ending the conversation.  
  
_'Goodbye.'  
_  
TBC-


	4. Memory Lane Express

DIsclaimer: I do not own. Sorry.

Warning: Not edited.

KALEIDOSCOPE  
  
Chapter Four: Memory Lane Express  
  
Shuichi yawned when he sat up, blinking away the sleep in his eyes as he peered around. He was at Hiro's place, in Hiro's bed, wrapped in Hiro's blanket.  
  
He loved this.  
  
The singer stretched, reaching his arms up to curl them in the curtains draped over the windows. The sun was shining brightly, and almost everything seemed right...until he remembered why he was there.  
  
Eiri didn't want him anymore.  
  
Ryuichi had nearly attacked him.  
  
His life was hopeless.  
  
"It's about time you woke up," a voice spoke, and Shuichi turned his head, finding Hiro leaning against the door frame with his arms crossed and looking at him. Shuichi immediately stopped playing with the curtains.  
  
"Hiro..." The redhead dropped his arms to his sides.  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"Well..." Shuichi looked at his lap. "I'm sorry." He suddenly felt the urge to cry.  
  
"For what? Shuichi-"  
  
"I...I've been so stupid, Hiro. Why did I ever think he could love me?!" This time, he did sob, tears streaming down his face. The singer hid his weakness against the palms of his hands. Hiro immediately went to him, sitting on the edge of his bed before gathering the shaking Shuichi against him in a tight hug.  
  
"What happened? You can tell me," he prompted, patting his back lightly.  
  
"I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to." Watery lavender eyes glanced up at him. "I love Yuki. I love him. I love him more than...more than Bad Luck! I didn't mean to, Hiro! I swear."  
  
"Didn't mean to what?" Shuichi only continued to babble.  
  
"He was there, and I didn't know. I shouldn't have, but I couldn't help it. He's angry with me. He's SO mad." He hiccupped. "I don't want Yuki to get hurt. Who's going to take care of him? Make sure he eats right and doesn't drink too much or smoke a lot or...or..." Shuichi wailed and hid his face against Hiro's neck. The guitarist held the thin man, only able to console him with his presence. Personally, he could not empathize because he had never been in the situations Shuichi put himself in daily...he had never been in love. Never mind that the object of the singer's affection was a prick and that he treated Shuichi worse than the dirt they walked upon.  
  
His best friend was in pain, and he could do nothing to ease it, much less stop it completely.  
  
"I'm sure Yuki Eiri-san is fine," he soothed, wanting the other to stop crying and breathe. "Everything will be fine."  
  
"No. It won't be. It-it can't. I messed up. Yuki hates me. I shouldn't have...I shouldn't have..."  
  
"What? Shuichi, you can tell me." Hiro knew he was repeating himself, but he didn't care.  
  
He had to know!  
  
"I shouldn't have said yes!" And, Shuichi continued to cry.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
He was in one of NG's studios, poking at a microphone, when the door gently swung open. Tohma had shown up to take him home a few hours after Noriko had left, assuring him that everything was going to be fine, but Ryuichi was depressed. He'd hurt Shuichi, had probably scared him away forever, and the medicine was piling up. He even had nightmares about pill bottles eating him. The singer fished into his pocket and jumped when a voice interrupted his solitary reverie.  
  
He'd forgotten that someone had come in.  
  
"I-I'm sorry. I didn't know anyone was in here." Ryuichi stared at the green-haired boy restlessly shufflilng papers. He knew his name...  
  
"I'll leave, Na No Da." He grabbed Kumagoru by the ear and dragged himself past Suguru.  
  
"N-no. No. You don't have to leave." He pointed to the synth resting on its stand. "I just wanted to do some fine tuning on a few of these songs before-" Ryuichi suddenly looked up, half-smiling.  
  
"Songs? New songs, Na No Da?"  
  
"Well..." Suguru lowered his head. "They don't have lyrics because Shindou-san..." He immediately shut his mouth. "Yes. They're new songs."  
  
"Could..." Ryuichi bounced over to him. "Could Ryuichi and Kumagoru hear them?"  
  
"Well, I..." Suguru gave in. "Alright. I guess it couldn't hurt." He smiled when Ryuichi squealed excitedly, and the singer plopped onto the floor, looking up at him with childish eagerness.  
  
Bad Luck's keyboardist carefully arranged the sheet music and got to work.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
_Are you mad at me?  
  
I'm sorry.  
  
I wish you woudl say something. I'm better now. No more Scary Place. No more doctor.  
  
Okay...that's a lie. My doctor-lady wants me to visit more than every weekend. I heard Tohma say so, too. Kumagoru said no.  
  
Kumagoru always wins.  
  
I got to listen to pretty music today. A lot was fun. I needed fun. So did Kumagoru. But one song was sad. It made Kumagoru sad, too. He tried to hide in my pocket. I let him. I made up words to it because there weren't any. Shuichi hadn't made any yet. Kumagoru likes them. Silly bunny. Ryuichi borrowed them from Kuma.  
  
I know. I didn't finish my story! Would you like to hear the rest?  
  
OKAY!  
  
Where was I?  
  
Oh, yeah.  
  
Kuma didn't mind that Ryuichi had other friends. But, Kuma wasn't around as much as before. It made Ryuichi sad, but only for a little while.  
  
Eventually, Ryuichi began to sing with Noriko and Tohma when they came to play. Noriko had a nice voice. Pretty and floaty. It reminded Ryuichi of a lonely person searching for something. It was nice.  
  
Tohma was different, though.  
  
The different kind of scary that was weirder than weird. He had a soft, little voice. Almost like an angel, but it was darker. Almost scary. He rarely joined in, but Noriko was quiet when he did. Ryuichi loved to sing with Tohma the most.  
  
They made pretty music. Soon, though, Tohma decided that they should be serious.  
  
They could be famous.  
  
Ryuichi liked the idea.  
  
He wrote songs. Some of the words were taken from Kuma. When Ryuichi shared them with Kuma -that meant putting on a show with clothes and everything- he didn't seem to notice. Kuma was sad. Ryuichi could tell, and it made Ryuichi sad, too.  
  
Ryuichi cried.  
  
Kuma hugged him.  
  
"I love you, Ryuichi." That's what Kuma told the sad Ryuichi. Ryuichi believed him. He didn't know what else to do. "Don't change. Not ever."  
  
But...  
  
Eventually, Ryuichi did change.  
  
He had to.  
  
It wasn't Ryuichi's fault.  
  
It wasn't Tohma. Or Noriko.  
  
It was Kuma. But, Ryuichi would never tell him that...  
  
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get you wet. Here. Let me wipe you off.  
  
There. You're all better. I'm okay, too. Kumagoru doesn't know why I'm crying. I can't tell him. Not ever.  
  
He's not old enough to know.  
  
BE QUIET, KUMAGORU!  
  
I know what I mean. I'm not stupid. No. I'm not.  
  
Yes, I took my medicine. Both of them. Quit bossing me around. You can't tell me what to do.  
  
Not anymore.  
  
I hope I didn't say anything that's made you scared. Or made you hate me. Kumagoru can be a meanie sometimes. He likes to take all the yummies and tries to tell me what to do.  
  
I don't like that.  
  
I'm sure no one else does, either.  
  
Do you?  
  
Kumagoru isn't really bad. I know he cares. Lots. I think I'm just tired. And a little sleepy.  
  
I want to sleep forever.  
  
Dream about nothing and something.  
  
No one would be able to bother me.  
  
The memories would disappear. Fade away into nothing. It'd be easy.  
  
Sometimes, very easy.  
  
I only put them on paper so that I can come back to them, anyway.  
  
That's all they'll ever be. Things on paper.  
  
Life isn't fair. (Yes, I know, Kumagoru. It never was.)  
  
Shuichi hates me. Tohma hates me. Noriko is worried about me. Kumagoru, too.  
  
No one likes me.  
  
It's all my fault, but I can't take all the credit.  
  
What's that phrase?  
  
Oh, yeah.  
  
Thank you, Kuma. I owe you one.  
_  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Tachi Aizawa leaned back against the booth in NG's cafeteria, fingers drumming on the table. Ken and Ma were across from him, playing with straws and each other in a more discreet manner than usual. The flirting was too obvious, and the singer closed his eyes, somewhat annoyed. ASK hadn't made a total recovery, but they were on their way back to the top. Already, their two newest songs were more popular than any other they'd released, but Aizawa wasn't concerned with that. Bad Luck, NG's other highly supported band, was still better than them, and their effort was a microscopic fraction of what Aizawa and his bandmates put forth.  
  
It was easy to get upset about something like that.  
  
"Hey, Tachi!" Aizawa turned and immediately ducked, avoiding the waded up napkin being thrown at him.  
  
"Quit." Aizawa eyed them. "Can't you be more mature?"  
  
"Why?" Ken laughed when Ma poked him.  
  
"Tachi wants us to act more like him. Ne?" The two men crossed their arms, huffed, and started laughing when the other rolled his eyes. Aizawa slid from his seat, styrofoam coffee cup in hand and walked towards the exit. At that moment, the tall, blonde manager of Bad Luck waltzed in, the redheaded guitarist beside him. They were talking heatedly about something that appeared to be of importance, and Aizawa moved to the side, eavesdropping on their conversation when they stopped moving.  
  
"I honestly believe Shuichi needs some time off. Can't we just-"  
  
"No." The American answered with his usually astute English words. "This cannot be done, Hiro-kun."  
  
"But-"  
  
"Everything will be okay!" He smiled broadly. Hiro stomped his foot.  
  
"I'm tired of..." He searched for what he wanted to say. "Shuichi isn't going to be here for a few days. Neither am I. You might as well tell Fujisaki-kun, too, while we're on the subject." He pointed his finger at the taller man. "You can't expect Shuichi to rebound every time he's hurt. This is serious." K appeared unaffected.  
  
"I know the seriousness of the situation...Hiro-kun." He patted the guitarist on the shoulder. "I have already...looked into it." Hiro knew that 'looked-into-it' was just another way for K to say 'schemed-and- planned.'  
  
"Good. In the mean time, I'll be looking after Shuichi."  
  
"You're very persistent, Hiro-kun." The younger man grinned precariously.  
  
"I've learned from the best," he answered, indicating K, who was also smiling. Aizawa, still quietly leaning against the wall, unnoticed, arched his eyebrow.  
  
Thing appeared to be getting even more interesting. It was time to do some "looking" of his own.  
  
Aizawa smirked and left the cafeteria.  
  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
Shuichi hesitantly turned the lock on Hiro's door, unsure whether or not to open it. His friend had told him not to. The singer bit his lip and pulled the door back, peeking into the hallway at the body standing there. Hands removed sunglasses and folded them closed. Red eyes stared back at him.  
  
"W-what are you d-doing here?" Shuichi clutched at the knob and clenched his fist. Tachi Aizawa slowly smiled.  
  
"Take it easy." The other singer peered over Shuichi's shoulder. "You going to let me in or do I have to stand out here to talk to you?"  
  
"N-no...b-but I..." Aizawa grabbed the door and forced Shuichi back, letting himself into the apartment. It was clean and organized aside from the blankets spread messily over the bed. Aizawa could tell that this was definitely the redhead's place- a guitar and a few amps were stacked carefully against the far wall. Shuichi watched as Aizawa kicked the door closed and swallowed.  
  
"Nice place," he commented nonchalantly.  
  
"It's...it's Hiro's." Aizawa rolled his eyes.  
  
"I know." ASK's vocalist began to walk towards Shuichi, and Shuichi backed up, tripping over his own feet and landing on the bed. Aizawa had to admit that the pink-haired boy looked rather...fuckable with his legs spread and his hair mussed, but he shook his head. He was past that, now.  
  
Today, he was the good deed-doer.  
  
"I..."  
  
"I said to take it easy." Aizawa looked down at him. "I have something to tell you." Shuichi gazed up at him with big eyes.  
  
"W-what?"  
  
"First...don't look at me like that."  
  
"L-like what?"  
  
"Like I'm going to...do something terrible to you." Shuichi immediately began to shake, and Aizawa slapped a hand over his face.  
  
"Y-you're going to do s-something to m-me?"  
  
"Forget I said that." Aizawa took a step back. "Just listen to me."  
  
"O-okay."  
  
"You had a falling out with your lover, again?" With the pitiful expression on Shuichi's face, it was a given. "Moping isn't going to help."  
  
"I know." Shuichi stared at him, suddenly very tense. "But what am I supposed to do? You want me to get drunk again? So you can take advantage of me?" Aizawa ground his teeth.  
  
"Apologies are never good enough for you, are they?" He walked over to the bookcase opposite the bed. "That was...bad for all of us. I'm trying to help you."  
  
"T-then don't be here."  
  
"It must be hard for you," Aizawa abruptly spoke.  
  
"What?"  
  
"It must be hard for you to realize that everyone you know doesn't like you." Shuichi gaped at him in shock and then stood, waving his arms.  
  
"That's not true! I...a lot of people l-like me."  
  
"Oh, yeah?" Aizawa turned to look at him. "Name one."  
  
"M...Hiro likes me." Aizawa laughed.  
  
"God. You are dense." Red eyes pierced violet. "Your friend does like you, but not in that aspect." It took Shuichi a moment to understand.  
  
"T-that's not true! Hiro would never-" Shuichi swung his arm and unexpectedly punched Aizawa in the face. Aizawa stumbled but caught himself, the familiar taste of his own blood flooding his mouth.  
  
He didn't know the brat could hit so hard!  
  
"You-" Aizawa wiped at the liquid pouring over his lip. "What was that for?"  
  
"You...y-you're a pervert! That's why!"  
  
"I only told you the truth." Shuichi balled his fingers into a fist again. "You wouldn't have hit me otherwise." Shuichi paused, his anger leaving him. He couldn't believe it! Aizawa was...right!?  
  
"But...but he does like for me."  
  
"Point for you." Aizawa held up a finger. "Another."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Name someone else."  
  
"I...m-my mom."  
  
"A given. Another."  
  
"My dad?"  
  
"Another given. Come on. You can do better than this." Shuichi thought for a moment, and the name fell from his mouth.  
  
"R-Ryuichi-san."  
  
"Ah. The great Sakuma Ryuichi." Aizawa shook his head. "Try again."  
  
"I-" Tears began to slide down his face. "I don't know! I don't know!" Aizawa grinned.  
  
"Of course you don't know." Shuichi looked at him, confused. "You're too caught up in your life's drama to realize anything."  
  
"What are you talking about?"  
  
"Your precious Yuki Eiri likes you. Hell, I'd say the guy's infatuated with you." Shuichi looked at the floor.  
  
"No he isn't."  
  
"Yes he-" Aizawa stopped, not wanting to argue childishly. "Have you read anything he's written? Ever?" Shuichi shook his head. "You should."  
  
"W-why?"  
  
"Just do it." The pink-haired singer glared at him skeptically.  
  
"Why should I do what you're telling me?" He crossed his arms. "Why should I even believe you?"  
  
"You want him back, ne?"  
  
"I-" Shuichi looked at the floor again. He swallowed. "What is it that you want from me, Tachi-kun?" Aizawa smirked.  
  
"To come back to NG so I can finally prove to everyone that ASK is better."  
  
"T-that's it? But don't you-" The front door was pushed open, and Shuichi found himself staring at Hiro.  
  
"Why's the door-" He stopped, unable to believe that who he thought he was seeing was standing in his apartment. Aizawa slipped his sunglasses back on.  
  
"See you around." Aizawa walked by Hiro, smiling and let himself out quietly. Hiro immediately ran to Shuichi and grabbed him.  
  
"Are you okay? Did he hurt you?"  
  
"N-no." Shuichi clung to Hiro.  
  
_ 'He helped me...'  
_  
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
  
"I hope I'm not calling too late." Someone laughed. A female. "Good. I forget sometimes." A silence. "Can I...talk with him?" Light music played. "Hello? No. It's...who is this?" Soft crying. "I'm sorry. I thought you were..." Assuring words flooded the quiet. "I'm sorry for bothering you. No. That's okay. I'll call another time. Thank you." The click of the phone as it was placed on the reciever. Thin arms hugged an equally thin body.  
  
_'Kuma...'  
_  
TBC-


End file.
